What Are You Afraid Of?

What are you afraid of? Simple enough question to ask someone and the answers that you can receive can really tell you about that person. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid of sharks? Or snakes? Or are you afraid of something that is inevitable? Like…death, disease, or the loss of someone that you care so deeply about?

You can ask someone this question and be surprised by the answer that is given to you. Is it a simple answer? Like they are trying to hide the truth or is it something so complex that you have no idea how to react to it? Like, they are afraid of getting caught or that they have been caught.

I thought my answer to this question was simple, I know what I am afraid of. Hands down. I was afraid of the inevitable. Not just death but of everything that that word holds. The unpredictable world that we lived in scared me and yet, here I am, living in it. Does this mean I am living in constant fear? Maybe. However, you would never know because you see me. Everyday. I am one of you. I am out here, living. Going to work, paying my bills, hanging out with my friends. Being social at the bars, dancing like no one is watching and posting photos on Facebook and Instagram of my life to make it look like everyday, is a new adventure. I am making my life look like I am just your typical, wine drinking millennial who acts like everything is fine because, maybe…just maybe, everything is.

That was the answer to that question. In some ways, that answer is still true but, it is not what I am most afraid of.

I was at work the other day and found myself thinking. No. Not thinking, this is me we are talking about. I was overthinking. Overthinking about something I did. Was it a big deal? Not to them but it was to me because that is what an over thinker does. You don’t care what I did but, were you lying to me? Are you trying to spare my feelings because I would be off worse if I knew the truth? The overthinking…it was eating me up alive. Then, I found myself speaking with a colleague, a friend. I told them everything and yes, they confirmed it. I was overthinking. This is where that question came out.

“Brit,” he said, “what is it that you are afraid of?”

And just like a deer in the headlights I realized, I didn’t know the exact answer. It wasn’t just a simple question anymore. He didn’t want to hear that I was afraid of the open water or of snakes. He wanted to know why the over thinking was killing me. What was it that caused me to be so worrisome about living.

“Do you want to know the answer?”

“Yes.”

I am afraid of opening up again. Not in your typical, talking to a therapist or a really good friend type of way. I am afraid of letting someone new in. Why shouldn’t I be afraid of that? Every time that I have let someone in and know me, the real me, they leave. Then I am stuck there thinking that I am not good enough. I will never be good enough and that the horrible people that I allowed to take advantage of my kindness did so because I wasn’t worthy of it to begin with. Over time, I have come up with the conclusion that I am delusional that my personality is ‘a light’ and that I don’t deserve someone good. So, why should I open up again?

Why is it that I have no problem spending over a hundred dollars at the casino but I cannot allow myself to gamble with my feelings the way normal, stable people can?

This causes me to understand why some people are angry at the things they fear. I don’t doubt them. I am furious. I hate that this fear takes over me sometimes. To miss out on the opportunities that life is full of.

I know that this fear is irrational and that I need to get over it and to not be afraid of myself but I can’t stop. I know that this fear developed over things that I couldn’t control however, they still happened and they still caused me to think that somehow it was entirely my fault.

Is it really my fault that I fell for someone that loved his anger and alcohol more than he loved me? Or that, every time I geeked out over my love of Star Wars or Lord of the Rings caused the man I claimed to have loved to tell me to “grow up”? Is it my fault that one guy chose another over me causing me to drown in a pool of misunderstanding?

If it isn’t my fault then why is this still something I fear? Is it because they always leave or is it because I chose to fall for the villain because I was impatient instead of waiting for the hero?

Whatever the answer is, I don’t know. All I know now is that every fear must be conquered. One way or another.

I must stop my overthinking and allow myself to be…myself.

So ask yourself… what is it that you are afraid of?