False Happiness: The Lies Depression Has Taught Me.

A very popular story that everybody tells you is that life is full of ups and downs. It’s constant and eventually you have to realize that you are never going to get used to it.
Unfortunately, after so many ups and downs, you focus mostly on when the downfall will come when you are at your ultimate high. It doesn’t matter if you just got accepted into school or that you started your dream job. All you do is wait for that downfall. You wait for that moment of heartbreak because you know it’s going to happen. That’s what you have been told from the get go. Your heart is going to break. Maybe that’s why you are too scared to get into a new relationship or, maybe that’s why you are too scared to quit your job and start something new. Something that you wanted to do since you graduated high school or hell, maybe even before you reached puberty.

I’m all too familiar with waiting for the downfall. I’ve been there. I’ve had my heart stomped on. I’ve worked jobs where I was constantly miserable and above all, I forgot what I wanted to do in this world. I forgot why I went to college, I forgot what it was like to want a career because I was so focused on paying rent hence, staying in that miserable job for longer than I should have. It came to the point where I forgot what it was like to feel truly happy. Everything in my world revolved around payments to the point where I just wanted to neglect everything.
My depression was at an all time high and my anxiety fought tooth and nail to beat it so that it could stay at the top of my mental breakdown. I never thought I would get to the point where I forgot who I was, especially in my early twenties. Is that not what your early twenties are for? To have fun and find out who you are? Instead for me, it started to feel like misery and only feeling alone. No matter who you surrounded yourself with.

I had no idea what to do. It seemed as though I would never break out of the funk. I shouldn’t be so young to turn to alcohol to feel something but, I did. Trying to break out of that habit has been one of the hardest things I have ever done.

I don’t think this is a post about how I overcame everything because I haven’t. This is a post about how I tricked myself into thinking I was happy. Honestly and truly happy.
Yes. I did figure out why I was so down on myself all the time. I was in a relationship I thought was real, I was working a job I thought I was good at and my partying was my way of thinking I made legitimate friends. But that was it. It was my own self making false accusations about myself.

I’m not perfect. Nobody is, that’s for damn sure. But, what I understood was that the only person brave enough to fix you is in fact, you. Some of my problems have been fixed, all on trial and error, of course. It’s like attending a self help seminar but you are the one that’s hosting it.

What I’ve learned is:
1. Identify what’s been keeping you down. Is it relationships? Your job? Your own bad habits?
2. Remember what made you, you in the first place. For me, it was my passions. I loved music. I loved comedy but, I forgot all about that when I was so busy being focused on hating myself.
3. Fight for yourself. I find this to be my biggest struggle. One that I am fighting with daily and one that I am overcoming each and everyday that I wake up.

I’ve learned that I need to put myself first for once and allow myself to act selfish on occasion. Everyone needs saving but you should be your own hero. You need to understand that you need to save yourself. You are Spiderman and your parents are Aunt May and Uncle Ben. They know you, they understand you but you know the real you.
I ended that relationship that I thought I so desperately needed. I quit my job on a whim because I was tired of waking up and putting on a fake smile for minimum wage. Most importantly though, I remembered who I wanted to be. I wanted to be someone who put their love for everything else first because my love for everything was what made me, me. It was who I was before conforming to what my brain was yelling at me for.

I can now proudly say that I am in my early twenties with my own business. I’m about to go back to school to put what I’ve discovered about myself into a legitimate career and above all, I remembered that I was amazing and I should never hate myself for not seeing what others saw in me.