Confession of a Wandering Soul

I think because of COVID-19 and being forced into a lockdown pushed me to realize that I forgot what makes me happy. It’s not because I have been downright miserable since this has all started, I have actually felt quite happy for the most part. I am in a relationship with someone that makes me happy. I know who my friends and family that are there for me. But, I have recently been faced with the idea that I forget what it is that truly makes me happy and am now trying to remember without lying to myself to just answer the question.

Pre-COVID, I used to finish my shift at work at 8:30pm and depending on the day, I would quickly jump into a cab and head down to the Duke, Rhapsody, Ethel’s Lounge or Lana’s Lounge. Basically, anywhere that had live music and friendly faces. I could let loose and forget my day. I guess, I have misplaced that feeling with that made me happy.
Although, I did feel happy there in the moment, deep down, it didn’t feel right. It just didn’t feel right.

Truth be told, I always wanted to be the music that people would go to see. Somewhere down the road…I went from wanting to be the musician to only being comfortable watching them.
Music makes me happy. That feeling I can be assure of but, I can’t play the guitar or the piano so, my main thought became: “I’m not good enough.” My drive left me. I would sit there during jams and be asked if I wanted to get up and sing. Every part of my body was screaming: “YES!!” However, I would end up saying no. For fear of embarrassing myself, I am not as good as those who get up and play. What is a girl like me doing on stage? Am I trying to prove something?

I am not good enough and that is my fault because I stopped pushing myself. I thought I was only happy on the sidelines. That I didn’t deserve to be up there.
In doing so, I feel as though I let my mum down because of the lessons she put me through. I’ve let down my dad because the only time he has ever really heard me sing was at my 24th birthday party. Most importantly, I let my myself down because I stopped believing in myself.

With all of these thoughts going through my mind, I think I lost who I wanted to be. Why did I go through college only to give into my anxiety and depression and stop doing what I love? Even now, I could easily learn new music and try to push myself to get better but, I have no more of that energy left. That little girl who loved Fame because of what it represented, is gone. Repressed.
I can no longer be that care free girl. The one I was before I was hurt, over and over again. Now I am constantly second guessing myself.

I know what I want. I want to be loved. To feel supported, cared for and to know I will be okay. I need to remind myself that it’s okay to let go. But, I don’t know how to be that girl who wanted to be a musician again. It almost feels like, that moment has passed and I need to face reality.
It scares me because, it’s what made me happy…before everything caused me to be terrified of putting myself out there. So I guess the real question is: Will I ever be able to preform again? To make myself feel that rush of adrenaline again?